Pop-Culture News Round-Up

Time for one of my favorite segments, this week's Pop-Culture News Round-up.

Leonardo DiCaprio Won’t Date Anyone above 25

In case you’ve been living under a rock for the past week and haven’t seen the approx. 40,000 memes that have been made, Leonardo DiCaprio refuses to date any woman above the age of 25. He recently broke up with Camilla-Whatever-Her-Name-Is shortly after her 25th birthday, and according to People Magazine, “Morrone is now the fourth woman to stop dating DiCaprio shortly after her 25th birthday. DiCaprio, 47, has never publicly dated anyone older than a quarter-century.”

Gen Z’ers are “Choosing Sobriety”, apparently not “Choosing Blowjobs”

For some very odd reason, videos of woke Gen Z’ers with pierced eyebrows, purple hair, and a bad attitude frequently end up on my For You page on Tiktok. I’m not sure who I have to blow at Tiktok Headquarters to have these excluded from my algorithm, but in the meantime, here are two very important (albeit perplexing) things that I’ve learned.

1. The Gen Z generation are making a pledge to stay sober. And unlike the pledge of so many Disney Stars from generations before (remember when Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers wore purity rings and claimed they weren’t having sex until marriage? Because I do.) it looks like they’re actually following through with their promise.

In one particular article, some fucking stick-in-the-mud dweeb was quoted saying, “OuR GenEratIoNNn hAs sOo mUcH mOrE to dO thAn juSt drInK anD tAke DrUgS.” Like fucking what? Send pictures to each other on BeReal? (which, despite having the catchphrase “Not just another social network” is LITERALLY just Snapchat) Unless you’re hopping aboard a submarine with Gretta Thunberg to fight climate change, I sincerely doubt you have many other pressing matters that are requiring your attention.

Maybe I’m romanticizing things, but some of my best memories of high school were hanging out in a field with upperclassmen drinking Crystal Palace vodka and taking one pull of a parliament cigarette someone had stolen from their mother’s purse. Isn’t that like, the whole point of your teenage years?

• I don’t know if this is a Gen Z thing or just some disgruntled young woman with an axe to grind, but I recently came across a Tiktok saying that it’s anti-feminist to give blowjobs and we shouldn’t be getting on our knees for men. And to that I say- have you tried giving head while laying on your stomach like a sniper? Because let me tell you, it’s a real game changer. Jk. I don’t want to get too in the weeds here and my mother occasionally reads this blog after she’s polished off a few ‘tinis but when is enough enough? What’s next? We outlaw reverse cowgirling? There’s a fine for 69?

Don’t Worry Darling

The film Don’t Worry Darling starring Harry “I’m Bisexual When It’s Convenient” Styles is premiering around the globe this week. Allow me to give you a brief breakdown of the ongoing whirlpool of drama surrounding the film, which is already receiving terrible reviews from audiences and critics alike.

• Florence Pugh, who I’ve never even heard of before this week, apparently doesn’t get along with “Actress” turned “Director” Olivia Wilde (I’m using quotations here because I can’t for the life of me come up with something she’s starred in other than the show House like ten years ago) because she disapproves of Wilde cheating on ex-husband Jason Ted Lasso Sudeikis with Harry Styles. I’m also not a huge fan of Olivia Wilde, particularly because she’s been giving interviews talking about “The Craft of Film Making” like she’s fucking Steven Spielberg on an episode of Inside the Actors Studio but like, who the fuck is Florence Pugh? But seriously. Who. IS. She.

• Shia LeBouef also has beef with Ms. Wilde because in one of her many long-winded mind-numbing interviews she claimed that she fired Shia to “protect her actors”. Come to find out this couldn’t be further from the truth and Shia pulled up with the recieptsssss hunty, showing that in actuality he made the decision to drop out of the project.

• Harry Styles spit on Chris Pratt at one of the film’s premiers. I’ve watched the video several times for, umm, research and let me just say there may be some truth behind the whole bisexual thing after all because the sexual tension was FLYING.

SATC Reboot

“And Just Like That”, the new SATC reboot starring 3/4ths of our favorite ladies (sans Samantha Jones), because I SIMPLY CANNOT AFFORD YET ANOTHER STREAMING SERVICE. I’ve already been tricked into subscribing to Netflix, Hulu, Disney Plus, Amazon Prime, PeaCock, and even fucking DogTV for my ungrateful dogs who live in my house rent free. If one more subdivision of subdivision of a Television Network decides to go out on its own and create an independent streaming service to capitalize on our growing need for escapism, I’m genuinely going to have to start selling my own plasma to keep up. Also like, does anyone remember Quibi? I wonder what happened to the Disney Exec that started that whole colossal failure. They probably have him working the concession booth at one of the theme parks now. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, Google it. I can’t be bothered.

Aaaaaaaanyway, ***SPOILER ALERT***, I have not been hearing many positive things about the reboot. In fact, I have been hearing mainly negative things, and they all seem to revolve around the fact that Big drops dead after a spin on a Peloton. Yikes. I’d like to have a sit down with the writer that thought that it was a good idea to put us through six seasons, 2 movies, and 23 GOD DAMN YEARS of our lives to suddenly kill off John James Preston in the first episode of the spin-off. WHAT WAS THE POINT? To get Carrie back into the dating game? THE JIG IS UP. SHE’S FULL GRAY AND HOVERING AROUND 60. COULDN’T WE HAVE JUST STUCK WITH THE HAPPY EVER AFTER APPROACH? Also, and this is just a personal aside, I saw from the trailer they have Grey’s Anatomy alum Sara Ramirez moonlighting as a podcast host or something. Haaate that. Hated her on Greys. Hate her and that haircut now. To paraphrase the Grinch, hate, hate DOUBLE HATE. Moving on, Nancy Reagan apparently gave a good gluck gluck super-sucker 3000. Let’s all take a second to make peace with that before I continue. Ready? Basically Ben My-Wife’s-Vagina-Is-Drier-Than-The-Sahara-Desert– (Again, Google it) Shapiro’s conservative podcaster sister randomly tweeted a side by side of Madonna at age 63 and Nancy Regan at age 64 and captioned it “Trashy living vs. Classic living. Which version of yourself do you want to be?” And it subsequently backfired because people started tweeting back an excerpt from a 1994 autobiography which stated that Nancy Pants was “renowned in Hollywood” for giving that sloppy toppy. Love that for her. Long live a throat goat queen.

Kanye Vs. Kim

Kanye really wants Kim back. And she’s just not having it. During Kanye and Drake’s semi out-of-left-field concert last week, Kanye was performing his song “Runaway”, and finished it by pleading “I need you to run right back to me, more specifically, Kimberly.” Nice play on words. Very cool, Kanye! AnywayzzZ, days after this seemingly unwarranted public display of affection, Kim filed to be declared “legally single”, drop the WEST from her last name, declared that “no counseling or reconciliation effort” can fix the marriage, and added that “irreconcilable differences” continue to exist between her and Kanye. Ouch. I guess it’s true what they say. Once you go Pete Davidson, you never go back, and honestly, I can’t say I blame her. She’s tired of pretending to like gospel music in a grey Yeezy monochromatic sweat suit. #L.K.W.C.A.. LET KIM WEAR COLOR AGAIN.

Also lest we all forget that Kim fought hard for that marriage, showing up to Wyoming where he was hiding from her and having a public cryfest in the parking lot of a local Wendy’s. Also ALSO, does anyone remember that Kanye was like trying to bone Irinia Shayk and the two were jet setting around Europe together only a few months ago? But now that Kim’s moved on, all of a sudden “God wants Kimye to be together”? Where exactly in the Ten Commandments does it say that? God doesn’t like crazy, Kanye.

#JusticeforKim #KimKardashain #KanyeWest #PeteDavidson #BenShapiro #NancyReagan #OralSex #HotTopics #AndJustLikeThat #Big #SJP #JobHunt #God #Religion #Conservative