5 Key Tips on How To Drink In Any Situation

How to Drink (The Right Way)

As I rapidly approach my mid-twenties, there are very few things I enjoy more than a nice glass of wine. Actually, there is literally nothing that I enjoy more than a glass, or if we’re being honest, a bottle of wine. The world is a scary place and my quarter-century life crisis is only one of the many things that fills me with pulsating anxiety daily. Now without using offensive (albeit potentially accurate) terms such as “functioning alcoholic,” I will say that any of my fellow seasoned drinkers out there know that there is a right and wrong way to engage in the recreational consumption of alcohol. Here are some tips based on my own expertise in the art of drinking in various situations.

1.Girls Night Out: Honestly, I will admit that although there is nothing worse than being pushed around an overly crowded bar in high heels in the dead of winter, there are still some weekends when I’m forced to go out and socialize. However, there are some basic rules to follow. First, if you’re going out somewhere in Fairfield County and don’t feel like being aggressively followed around all night by any guy you let buy you a drink, chances are you’re going to be spending a pretty penny. With that said, pregame and pregame hard. It’s cost effective and gives you back the thirty minutes of your life you would have spent waiting for the bartender to notice you. After you’ve pregamed and finally get to the bar, club or hell, even the children’s soccer game of your choice, the next step is to stay hydrated. Don’t be afraid to order that glass of water, girl! Your organs will thank you, your hangover will thank you. Third, learn your limits. If you’re out and you feel the room start spinning or that guy who originally resembled a Lord of the Rings character is starting to look attractive, it may be time to pack it in. One more thing, and this one you may only be able to master with practice, but all I’m going to say is Uber charges you a $200 fee if you throw up in their car.

2.Drinking when out versus drinking at home: In both cases, pick a socially acceptable drink. Now I know there are those of you out there who will go out to a bar and order only the basic vodka-soda-splash-of-cranberry. Yes, I am aware that it is functional for two reasons: vodka sodas have far fewer calories than beer or a glass of wine, and nothing gets you drunk quicker and cheaper than vodka. However, nothing makes you stand out more on a girl’s night than when everyone’s splitting a bottle of Pino Grigio and you’re taking shots of Titos like it’s still your freshman year in college. Also, if you are like many of the people I know who enjoy unwinding from their day with a nice drink there is a pretty sizeable difference between curling up in bed with a glass of wine and getting off work and pounding tequila. Trust me. Choose carefully even when home. Make a night of it! Snuggle up on the couch with your dog and turn on one of Netflix’s seemingly endless list of serial killer documentaries. It’ll be like your own little staycation. Finally, make sure you don’t overdo it. If you have a 9 a.m. work meeting or worse an 8 a.m. lecture the following morning, maybe limit yourself to only a few glasses of vino. You don’t want to show up to work the next morning noticeably hungover with alcohol seeping from your pores.

3. On a Date (With a Guy You Actually Like): I included the second part in parenthesis because sometimes the only way to survive a bad date is to drink the awkwardness away. I would like to preface this by saying yes, I completely agree women should have the right to get as tipsy as they want without needing permission or validation from men. However, as I learned from personal experience, ordering a bottle of wine just for yourself on a first date will probably guarantee there won’t be a second one. So, to see if your potential love match is planning on drinking on this date. If he says he doesn’t drink, get out of there. I’ve always believed that you should never trust someone who doesn’t drink. (Just kidding! Maybe.) Next, and this tip depends on the alcohol of your choice, know your limits! My general rule is no more than two cocktails or three glasses of wine. If your words start slurring and you don’t want your follow-up conversation with your date to be them giving you the name of a sponsor, I’d suggest ordering water.

4.At a Family Event: Let’s be honest. For most of us, there are few things that have us reaching for the bottle quicker than being faced with a racist grandparent or your bitchy cousin who insists on asking when you’re planning on getting a boyfriend. With that in mind, there is a right way and a wrong way to drink even at the most mind-numbingly dull of family parties. After all, you don’t want your judgmental aunt Karen telling your mom she’s “worried about you.” As previously mentioned, avoid the hard liquor and head straight for the wine or beer. Preferably something light that won’t have you spewing word vomit at your distant Trump supporting relatives at the Thanksgiving table. Grab that one cool cousin that you see only on holidays and stick by his side so you aren’t potentially triggered to start taking shots of tequila. Also, there is definitely potential here for a fun drinking game to pass the hours. Every time a member of your family judgmentally asks what you’re planning on doing with your life, take a sip!

5. Before Class: Don’t do it. I mean, seriously, what’s wrong with you?

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