Game of Thrones Season 8 Episode 1: A Recap

The season begins and I can barely hang onto my glass of wine as a young boy runs through the crowd of Northerners gathered to watch King in the North Jon Snow and Dragon Queen and all around badass Daenerys Targaryen arrive. Because I have far too much free time on my hands, I also watched the after episode interview with the writers and they explained that this was meant to mirror Arya running to get a look at the Lannister arriving in Season 1 Episode 1. Ooooh I see what you did there, guys! In comes some other main characters which I have become hopelessly devoted to, including Tyrion, The Hound, Gendry, and Sansa. I know, I know, The Hound is a ruthless killer but he totally loves Arya and protected her for several seasons so he has to be somewhat redeemable, right?

Moving right along, the Northerners are looking at our dear Khaleesi with pure disgust with facial expressions that are basically screaming, “Jon, why did you bring this foreign Ice Queen here?” Not to be outdone, the two remaining dragons who’s names I am too lazy to google come swooping in, presumably in an attempt to show that these peasants better respect their mother or they’re going to be turned into barbeque. The villagers go running in terror which if you ask me – which no one has- is not exactly an ideal way to secure the love and respect of your people, girl. Daenerys approaches her current boo’s little sister Sansa basically using Regina George’s line from Mean Girls, “I mean, you’re like really pretty” and Sansa is NOT having it. This exchange of false pleasantries is only broken by creepy wheelchair bound Bran absolutely SCREAMING for all to hear that the Night King has one of Dany’s dragons and is marching toward Winterfell with his army of the dead to reign terror on everyone. Okay, Bran, how about you practice a little social etiquette for just a second and say hi to your half-brother?

Flash forward to the meeting hall where all of the Lords and Lady’s of the North get together and are basically like WTF Jon we made you the King in the North and then you come back here having bent the knee to some dragon tamer. Jon responds that he never asked to be king (ungrateful, much?) and that he did what he had to do to protect his people He neglects to mention that he reached this decision after a little incestual romp in the sheets with his aunt/girlfriend, but people are still not having it. Jon, Dany, and even Tyrion are still under the misguided impression that Queen Cersei, Head Bitch in Charge, is riding North with her armies to fight alongside them against the Night King. Sansa interjects by proclaiming that Cersei can’t be trusted and basically implying that Daenerys is not the smartest tool in the shed for believing she’s coming in front of everyone. Then, Jon leaves being bullied by virtually all of the North and meets up with his favorite half-sister Arya in the Weirwood or Godswood or whatever it’s called. Jon complains for a while that Sansa hates his girlfriend and think’s she’s smarter then everyone. Like move on Jon, we have bigger fish to fry. Do the words army of the dead mean anything to you? Arya stands up for her sister which provides a fleeting touching moment until our attentions are abruptly turned to the other side of the world. In Kings Landing we are met with Cersei sipping wine despite her pregnancy and being absolutely overjoyed with the news that the dead had broken through the wall and were marching North to attack her enemies. I guess the threat of fetal alcohol syndrome is not a primary concern in Westeros. I digress. Sir Bronn of the Blackwater (a personal favorite of mine) has his casual threesome with random prostitutes interrupted by Cersei’s lap dog and the only character creepier than Bran/ The Three Eyed Raven: Oyburn. He presents him with an offer on behalf of the Queen to kill the two of her brothers in return for gold and riches, one of which she has been sleeping with for the past forty or so years. Talk about cold. Then Euron, the King of the Iron Islands who’s been trying to sleep with Cersei for the past few seasons comes bursting into the palace and is basically like listen if I don’t get my sword polished I’m going home. Cersei responds with the phrase, “You want a whore? Buy one. You want a queen? Earn her.” Then she sleeps with him anyway. We’ve all been there, girl. Cut to a storyline which I have never really been able to get that into because I personally hate Theon, but he and the Iron fleet rescue his sister from Euron’s captivity while he’s busy boinking the Queen. It’s worth mentioning but like, whatever at this point. The two of you get captured on the daily. Step up your security.

Back in Winterfell Daenerys and Jon are talking about the North’s general lack of trust and respect toward her. Then Dany, who is becoming less and less likeable as the minutes pass in this episode, eludes to the fact that if Sansa can’t trust her she is going to have to be dealt with. As if we don’t all know what happens when someone tries to cross the Stark siblings. Does anyone remember Littlefinger? Jon and Daenerys hop on her dragons and go for a little joy ride before engaging in some love making in front of them. This is a red flag for two reasons. 1. According to the books, only a Targaryen is able to ride a dragon which should give them both some insight to his true identity 2. Daenerys, you’re having sex in front of your dragons. Aren’t they your children? Gross. After some Northern nookie we are shown Arya having equally uncomfortable interactions with the Hound whom she left for dead and Gendry. I know that Maisie Williams is actually 22 years old but she still looks 12 and watching her flirt with the muscular iron welder Gendry is awkward.