5 Things Your Server Truly Doesn't Want to Deal With

Some Guidelines for Eating Out

As someone who has endured waitressing for over four years now, I’ve met many types of people. I’ve encountered a woman who actually stood up from her table and chased me down because another woman three tables away seemed to have more wine in her glass than the one that I poured for her. I’ve has teenagers who split their check 11 ways and tried to slip me a half-eaten marijuanna edible as a form of a tip. To lessen the suffering of my fellow servers and hopefully help those of you with little to no restaurant etiquette become better people, I’ve put together a list of things that customers do that they really need to stop doing.

1. The “Regular”- Do you tell your server ever so casually that you know the owner or the manager in order to get “better service” or a discount? First of all, the owner probably hasno idea who you are, and even if he did, I can assure you that he has the same “close, personal” relationship with hundreds of other customers. That’s pretty much a fundamental rule for the restaurant industry: Be nice to people with money so they keep coming back and you keep getting their money, right?

2. “Mr. Make- it- Snappy!” Do you immediately let your server know from the moment that you sit down that you are in a rush, then proceed to order a well-done burger all the while looking aggressively at your watch each time I pass by the table? Here’s a crazy idea. If you are in a rush, there is something called “fast food” and I can map you out directions to the nearest McDonalds. If that is not up to your illustrious standards, perhaps you can do what our parents and grandparents have done for decades before us and cook for yourselves?

3. “Ms. I- Have- Absolutely- No- Regard- For- Other- People’s- Time- and- Little-to- No- Shame”- “So can you take $11 out of this twenty, $13.50 out of this fifty, and split the remaining balance on the 6 cards? Thanks!” How about no? It’s actually always amazed me what little self awareness people (of all ages, believe it or not) have when it comes to this. No, it’s not acceptable for your party of ten to split the bill ten ways and it’s even less acceptable for you to ask me to split the bill up in accordance to what each of you got at the end of the meal. There is something called Venmo or if this is too technologically advanced for you just bring cash and use that to pay for your meal! Or pay your friend in cash if he chooses to put the tab on his card! I mean really, the possibilities are endless. I’m not a math major and I don’t have the time in the middle of a busy shift to whip out my calculator and figure out what a $99 bill split sixteen ways is.

4. “Mr. Here’s a tip, always bring an umbrella when it’s raining! Ha!” —“Oh, my God, thank you for your service; you were so amazing! When we come back we definitely want you as our waiter!” When this guy leaves, it’s all smiles, and you feel great about yourself, and you bask in the brilliance of your harmonious relationship with your customers, and give yourself a small pat on the back. Then you go to your table still glowing and see that they left you $5.01 on a $120 tab. Why? In what alternate reality on a separate realm in a far away universe did you ever think that that was acceptable? In the future please base any of your dining decisions on this simple phrase: if you can’t afford to tip, then you can’t afford to eat out.

5. “The Comedian”—Do you push your empty plate into my already full hands less than five minutes after you are served your meal? “Thanks, we hated it can’t you tell?” Hahahahahahahahaaha-I don’t get paid to listen to your terrible jokes or make awkward small talk- hahahahahahahaha. Just cut to the chase and don’t do me any favors by forcing me to fake laugh or tell you where I’m from and where I go to school as I’m on my tenth hour of my second double in a row and I’m emotionally exhausted by this conversation.